One Last Kiss (T1-Watching Helplessly)
by Boondock Winchester
Summary: Steve watches helplessly as Tony goes off to be a hero. 2018 STONY Bingo (T1 - Watching Helplessly)


This is my first entry for my 2018 STONY Bingo card.

T1: Watching Helplessly

With a prompt like that, how could it not be angst? I'm not usually one to write open-ended or not a for sure happy ending, so this is my first attempt. I hope I did it justice.

...and I kinda hope you cry. In the deeply feeling way, obviously.

Please enjoy.

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Steve pulled at his restraints; pulled until he could feel the muscles in his arms and back nearly rip to shreds, but he kept pulling.

Fucking magic. Alien magic, at that. Because just one wouldn't have been enough. "Of course not," he muttered darkly with another pull.

He couldn't let them down. His team needed him. He couldn't let them down now, after everything they'd been through to get here. There had been so much pain already, so many hardships, so much grief. Though that had nothing on the fact that he hadn't seen Tony in awhile and that always sent him careening into panic without fail, to say nothing of that the last he'd seen him, Tony had been pissed as hell at the entire situation. And, genius though he may be, that was when he tended to make his most idiotic decisions, effectively shortening Steve's life expectancy by the decade in sheer trepidation.

So he pulled.

"Steve."

He started and peered up at hearing his name in the familiar robotic modulation, only then hearing the sound of repulsors as beautiful lines of red and gold lowered in front of him. A wave of relief hit him so hard he lost his breath a moment before he tried to pull at his restraints again, if only to get his hands on the man hovering in front of him.

"Tony, thank God. Thank God, I thought...you're here."

Steve managed a smile when Tony retracted the helmet. Just seeing his face was enough to make everything else fade into the background. For just this moment, nothing else mattered. Tony was here, and that was all he needed to know.

"I found you," Tony sighed, sounding just as relieved as Steve felt. He wasted no time in getting his arms around Steve as best he could, given the restraints, with one arm wrapping around his waist while his other hand went to the back of Steve's neck to hold him against his chest.

Steve could only return the embrace by burying his face in Tony's neck. He took as deep a breath as he could manage, almost trying to keep a piece of Tony within himself and hold him there, willing Tony to never leave his side again. If only…

But as much as Steve wanted to stay pressed against Tony like this, he wanted more to get Tony out of here and somewhere safe, regroup with the team - what was left of them, he thought, pressing his face further into Tony's warmth as the pain of that settled in him like a steel ball - and find a way to destroy that which had taken so much away from them. Steve forced himself to pull away, thankful Tony took the cue and did the same, not sure he would have been able to resist the temptation to push his nose into Tony's hair next.

"We need to retreat, just for now. Do damage assessment, see who's still in a fit state to fight and figure out how to dismantle-"

"I did."

Steve started at the interruption. "You...what? Did what?""

"I figured it out. I know how to get to the gem and destroy it. Without it, the rest won't be much of a threat, so...two birds…or, maybe more like a few hundred birds-"

"Good," Steve cut off Tony's rambling. "Good, that's great. Okay, so...get me out of these things. We'll fill in the others and get your plan going." He turned his gaze up to his restrained wrists above his head expectedly, deciding he could take a moment to marvel at the beauty of Tony's strength in the suit. It never failed to spark something heated and intense to watch those hands that could be so gentle when touching Steve's skin do something so powerful when-

When he didn't feel Tony's hands move from their places on his waist and neck, Steve looked back down at Tony. Whose eyeline hadn't left Steve's face.

"Tony?"

He didn't respond. Instead, Steve watched as Tony's eyes left his and seemed to be soaking in his face, mapping him like he had so many times before. He knew that look.

He hated that look.

Steve was already shaking his head vehemently, a nauseatingly heavy stone dropping painfully in his gut. "No."

The rebuff went ignored as the hand on the back of his neck came up, the plates of the gauntlet sliding away so there was nothing but warm skin to touch his cheek. "I don't expect you to be okay with it," Tony said in a reverent voice as he watched his own fingers trace Steve's face. "I certainly wouldn't be. In fact, we both know I'd be downright furious, you ever tried to pull anything like this," he added with reserved chuckle. "But...I'm the one who has the say this time, so-"

"Don't you dare."

The hand moved up again to card through Steve's hair. "It's always that way, though, isn't it? It's always one of us doing something stupid while the other..." Steve couldn't not hear the regretful tone in Tony's voice around the attempted but inevitably aborted smirk, and feel all the more fractured for it. But before Steve could comment on exactly what he thought of that, Tony shook his thoughts onto another track. "You'll be safe here, I made sure of it. You're plenty far enough out of the-"

"No, Tony," Steve growled as he pulled against the restraints, ignoring the spike of pain it sent across his shoulders. The vice-tight clench in his chest was more than enough to drown it out in favor of the sudden overwhelming need to wrap Tony in his arms and never, ever let him leave. "Whatever you're planning, forget it. It's a shit plan. Whatever it is, just stop it!"

"You know I can't." Tony's voice went whisper soft as he drew their faces closer together. "And neither would you."

"Yes I would." Steve knew it was a lie, even before he hissed the words through his teeth, but he had to try. He had to stop this-

The smile Tony threw at him this time…oh, it just wasn't fair.

Steve loved Tony's smile, especially when he was the one who made those tempting lips curve up so captivatingly. It had happened so rarely when they'd first met, that the few times Steve had seen one drawn out by Rhodey or Pepper or JARVIS and the bots, he'd decided that he wanted to be the reason Tony smiled like that.

Even when they were fighting, Steve would do something - leave a sketch of DUM-E or Butterfingers for Tony to find in the shop, have Happy deliver an oddly shaped pez dispenser he'd found during his most recent thrift shop adventure - to make sure that Tony smiled as often as he deserved.

Tony was so beautiful when he smiled.

This smile, however, radiating love and trust, nicely wrapped in all the Tony Stark sass, and yet somehow no less stunning for all the guilt weighing it down, only made panic and bile rise up in Steve's throat, cutting off his air.

"Liar."

Steve gave another yank at the restraints, his eyes beginning to burn as desperation took over. "God damn it, Tony!"

The engineer opened his mouth, but JARVIS's voice intoned from the suit before he could say another word.

"Sir. Five minutes remaining till sequence input is required."

Steve's expression shifted from furious to horrified. "You already…"

He felt his breath hitch as he watched Tony's eyes fell in remorse, and he knew Tony well enough to know that it wasn't for his own pain, but because Tony knew, he _knew_ , how much this was going to break Steve. And god-fucking-damn Tony Stark for being more tormented about how his actions would affect others, rather than be upset that he knew what he himself was about to face all alone.

It hurt how much he loved this man who was ripping his heart to shreds with his complete and utter selflessness and still managing to feel ashamed for it.

"I'm sorry, honey." Tony let his brow fall forward to press to Steve's. "I'm so sorry."

"No. No, don't do this. Please don't-"

Tony kissed him, most likely just to get him to shut up. He knew he wasn't making this any easier on Tony, but he couldn't bring himself to stop. He couldn't stop begging, pleading for Tony to stay, to think of another way. So he put everything he had into his kiss, showing Tony what he had to stay for, what he had to live for, and beg for him to believe that it was enough.

Tony pulled away, just enough to mutter into Steve's mouth, "I love you," before kissing him again, not letting Steve utter a sound beyond the agonized whimper he couldn't manage to hold back. "So much." This kiss didn't last much longer before he pulled away again, the distinct taste of salt passing between them as he continued on to pepper kisses across Steve's face. "I love you so much. I- Fuck, this isn't fair," he hissed, the fingers in Steve's hair curling in tight against his scalp. "I wanted…damn it, I was really looking forward to…to us, to...I really wanted this..." Tony fumbled over his words, had to catch his breath with a painful-sounding hitch. "God, Steve, please tell me you know how much I...how loved you are. Tell me I didn't epically fuck that up, because...everything. You're _everything_. Please tell me you know that. Please-"

"I do. I know, Tony. Of course I know," Steve choked out, because even if they weren't here on a battlefield, saying 'I love you's that sounded far too much like 'goodbye's, he needed Tony to know that. Above all else, he loved Tony desperately, and he knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that his love was more than returned. Tony had never let a day go by that left Steve feeling anything less than cherished. "I know, Tony. I...I love you." He didn't even care that his words were beginning to waver between more kisses. "I love you. I love you. Please...Please, Tony. Please don't leave me."

"Three minutes, sir."

Tony closed his eyes, teeth painfully digging into his bottom lip for only a moment before he leaned up to kiss Steve's temple, somehow managing to keep the steady contact despite both their trembling, and Steve trying to wrap his chin around Tony's neck in a desperate attempt keep him there as best he could, as Tony embraced him one more time.

Steve felt Tony take a deep, albeit shaky, breath, and it only broke him further because he knew Tony was steeling himself for what was coming next. "No…" Steve muttered as cold finality seeped into his veins, his muscles all but going numb with the icy spread. "Please, no…"

"I love you," Tony whispered into Steve's hair, pressing one final kiss to seal in his words. "I'm so sorry."

Tony didn't so much pull away as just let go.

And it hurt.

"NO!" Steve shouted, pulling against the restraints again, his skin all but searing for having lost Tony's touch. "Stop! Tony, please!"

Tony's face was downcast as he stepped away, the gauntlet once again wrapping around his hand, repulsor shining bright and unwavering, as the suit lifted him up till he was hovering a few feet in the air.

Steve kept his eyes on Tony, never letting them stray from the beautiful image he cast in the suit. It was an image he was more than familiar with, one he adored and could never tire of. He knew every curve, every dip, every sharp line and soft edge intimately, could draw it from memory with absolute precision, had found himself doing just that over the years hundreds of times, countless hours spent on painstakingly capturing every detail. He knew this armor well, and the man within even more so.

Even still, he didn't dare look away, forcing himself to remember this moment, the way the metal reflected the light, the exact shade of white-blue light the reactor shone, the precise way Tony held his body when holding himself still mid-flight. He saw it all and memorized every piece, every detail. Even as his vision blurred, he took to furiously blinking as opposed to turning to scrub them dry - the thought of not being able to see Tony right then, for even a moment, was endlessly terrifying.

And when the helmet slid back into place, only after Tony looked up and gave Steve his favorite smile, one he knew was always meant only for him, Steve would swear he could hear his very soul shattering within him.

"See you on the other side, my love."

Even the sound of the repulsors firing at full strength to carry Tony through the skies was not enough to drown out Steve's screams as he was left helplessly watching his very heart fly away where he couldn't follow.

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Comments and Constructive Advice is always welcomed and appreciated.

Thank you for reading.


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